Adoption Considerations

Cole and I have been considering adoption for awhile now.  There was a time, when we first got together (back in 2003), that I can honestly say we were not very interested in the idea of kids.  Some of that sentiment came from the fact that we were both very selfish--we wanted to do what we wanted to do when we wanted to do it and a child would only get in the way of those plans.  More came from the fact that neither of us were especially confident of what type of parents we would be considering the dysfunction that we both were raised under.  And yet some of our unwillingness to consider children came from an unspoken truth that only now seems to be clear--we are gay men in a society that still does not accept us as equal citizens. 

For the past year we have been exploring different options that might work for us to establish a family.  While I never expected adoption to be a simple process, I also never realized the complexities behind the possibilities. 

First, there are the laws.  As gay men we can adopt as single parents in many states (with the second partner being able to adopt months later); we can adopt jointly in more progressive states (northeast and pacific coastline states primarily); and then it goes from foggy (the Bible belt states are not clear in what is and isn't warranted) to downright nasty (Florida bans gay men from adopting in any way--single, together). 

Once you get past the state issues, there are the considerations of whether you want to deal with for-profit agencies, not-for profit agencies, or the Department of Social Services.  In many cases the for-profit can cost anywhere from $12k and up whereas the not-for profit and DSS actually pay you a stipend for taking a child into your home. 

The key is considering what type of child you want and the amount of risk you are willing to take.  If you want a baby, you have to consider what role the birth mother will play post birth. Will it be an open or closed adoption?  Will it be a surrogate situation?  The costs can quickly add up and in the end the mother can still back out of her decision to give the child up for adoption (and who can blame her if she wants to keep the child?). 

If you want a child that comes from a broken home, you will most likely end up with an older child.  DSS has a goal to reunite the child with the parents and will continue to work in that vein until the relationship is beyond repair.  Only then can the court get involved to remove the parental rights.  Depending on decisions and appeals, this can be a couple of years in the waiting.

If you want a baby or a toddler...good luck.  Everyone does.  If you want a 15 year old, you most likely will be in luck.  But a good 95% of these kids have gone through foster home after foster home and only after suffering through years of intense poverty, neglect, and oftentimes sexual abuse.  Talk about taking on risk! 

Throughout, Cole and I have had to continually reflect and consider why we want to adopt.  After all, we are gay men in a world where having two daddies is not necessarily an ideal for society or for many children to subscribe to.  We are not naieve enough to believe that this will be simple for anyone involved.  We also recognize that many kids up for adoption have had it rough and will continue to be challenged in school, in relationships, and in life.  Having two dads doesn't make that easier when trying to acclimate into a school, community, church, etc.  If the child comes from another background (race, religion, ethnicity), he/she will have additional considerations to focus on in identity development that could make having two dads even more challenging.

So the question we continue to ask ourselves is--are we being fair to a child or are we again being selfish?  It's a fair question.  But here's what we know and I can honestly say...Cole and I are good men.  We have grown in many ways over the past seven plus years together.  We have lived, loved, and lost.  We have experienced great highs and tremendous lows.  Through it all one thing was clear--our love for each other was strong and we have been able to overcome many of the challenges thrown our way.  This, despite not having the strongest support system around us.  This, despite not always having family and friend acceptance.  This, despite multiple moves around the country to multiple jobs and faced with considerable student loan debt from all of my degrees through the years. 

One of the common bonds that drew Cole and me together in the beginning was our faith in God and our Christian values of love, friendship, honesty, integrity, and respect.  That has only grown stronger with us over the years.  While we are of a strong Catholic faith, going to church weekly doesn't make us stronger--our constant communication about what we value and our love of God and our want to be good people does.  These values carry over in our daily lives.  We live our values--it's a principle centered life.  We treat others with kindness; we give and give freely; and we treat all living things and the world around us with a profound respect.  Whether it be in recycling to protect the earth, provide to charitable causes every chance we get, or help someone in need, we do these things because it is who we are and what we value. 

What does this all mean in the long run?  In a nutshell, Cole and I want to start a family because we have so much to give.  We are stable in employment, in our relationship, and in our faith and values.  We may not be ideal for everyone but we are perfect for someone.  Somewhere out there is a child(ren) who needs us.  A child who doesn't care that he/she has two dads but that needs to be the most important person in the world to someone.  A child who will be provided a foundation based on love, trust, and acceptance.  That child can be white, black, gay, straight, Christian, non-Christian, handicapped, etc.  It doesn't matter.  Our child will know nothing more than the sacrifices that two men have had to take to make this happen.

It's never easy to have a child.  I get that.  But consider this...when someone questions whether a gay couple, particularly gay men, can parent a child, I would want them to think about a few things:

1.  We cannot naturally conceive a child.  That's not God's punishment on us.  That's God's way of giving us an ability to help control the world's population and take care of those that have been abandoned by their birth parents. 
2.  We have to go through extensive background checks and processes that a birth parent doesn't even have to consider.  Natural reproduction is wonderful but it doesn't guarantee the parent will be a fit mother/father.  There are over 9,000 children in North Carolina alone who can testify to that sentiment.
3.  We don't have to parent anyone.  We don't get caught in "mistakes" of unplanned pregnancies.  Instead, we have to choose to want to parent and go through living our lives under a microscope to do so.  Sometimes this can be years in the making.  And there is never a guarantee it will come to fruition.
4.  We will continue to face stigmas that we cannot parent; that we cannot provide a stable foundation for a child; that we will be considered suspicious (after all why would two men want to parent--it can't possibly be for legitimate, genuine purposes right?); and all the while all we yearn for is the ability to provide a better home for a child than they have been given in life.

There will be those that say, "but this is the choice you have made in being gay."  To that I say "phooey."  I never made that choice.  I never made a choice in life that would put me under constant scrutiny.  I never made a choice...I am who I am and who I have always known myself to be.  Our child will also be who he/she is meant to be.  You see, when you grow up with support and acceptance you can change the world.  When you grown up with confidence and love you can move mountains.  One of the greatest gifts that being gay has brought me in my life is my ability to relate to all people in all circumstances.  You see, to be gay, I know oppression.  I know prejudice.  I understand hate and intolerance.  But I also have experienced great acceptance.  Great love.  And through it all I have gained tremendous self-confidence and self-worth.  I can share that with my partner and with my child.  And maybe, in that thought, I can find the peace of mind to know why we are meant to be parents.